Was supposed to wake up to work on my assignment @ 7am. Rushing for dateline. I had set three alarms for this and wished heavily that my body will realised that it is important to wake up that early.
You see, my body knows how to count time. My body will NEVER gets up early unless it's for work. No matter how I psyche myself to trick my body into thinking there's work in the morning, my body never buys it. Ten alarm clocks won't do either. That's my body telling me to bugger off.
I can't finish that assignment, I can't. I thought I could use my 2 off days to crash through the 2,000 word essay. I can't.
Because I discover no matter how I adore writing and train myself to write, I could never write more than 300 words a day. I don't know why. It's as if there is a gantry in my head and it shuts off after the 300 word mark. That's my mind telling me to bugger off.
It's not that when you are older, you don't get these limitations, you just realise that they are there all the while. With age, you simply concede because you have see enough not to fight with your body.
There is another limitation to what I can do.
I can never stop that dream. It happens around half a year and it really comes around. It's sweet and frightening as well. I would wake up, blank-eyed the morning sun for a while, the birds are always singing somewhere. I always wake up in a beautiful day and never a rainy one. A rainy one will give you more reasons to roll back to sleep, but no. I have to skip that beautiful day, skip those alarm clocks, skip that 300 word mark of assignment, close my eyes and try to fight back to continue that dream. That's no such thing as jumping back into dreams. That's my subconscious telling me to bugger off.
I cannot tell you what these dreams are made off. I'm socially handicapped. It tells me to bugger off and don't even think about blabbering here. I can't. I can only tell it to Bryan when it comes every half a year.
I will tell Bryan over supper that I had that dream, again. And we wait for that moment to pass. No, it's not trying to tell me something, even if it does, I can't and won't do anything about it.
My destiny won't allow me to. It will tell me to bugger off.
