Friday 21 July 2006

When In Hell, Keep Breathing




I was stirred.

Eyes straggling to peel from the lids, moist tears around ducts.

I smell nothing.

Then my sole visible spectrum of light to see the
world.

Crimson red.

It was as if I was Cyclops, sight bathed in perpetual redness, hiding behind the synthetic ruby quartz crystal eyeglasses.

Then I began to felt it.

Impregnated me through my oral orifice.

The monster of the breathing tube burrowed all the way into my throat.

Felt it wiggling around, like a larvae incubating warmly.

I choked.

I tried to bit it, my tongue worming it.

Bad move. It went deeper.

My choking point had reached it's maxim and now I could vomit.

I gagged and gagged.

Screamless voices. Like I'm in outer space. The deaf horror of insanity.

Some blotches of blackness. Swimming in the maroon tides.

They were figures walking around!

I felt my hand raising feebly. As if it had never been mine. That bastard apparatus.

I waved lightly.

A wraith noticed and floated closer.

I made a clawing gesture, signaling that I'm awake and needed the ETT tube to be pulled out.

NOW!

'15 minutes more.'

My eyes grew wide in fearsome incredulity.

'Your stats are not ready.'

I huffed and puffed. The breathing tube wrapped tighter inside my mouth.

I blinked tears.

15 minutes were a lifetime.

I trembled and trembled with impatience and pain.

After another while, I saw another shadow went by.

I raised my hand and gestured the clawing sign. As if gasping for air.

'No. Another 15 minutes more.'

'You are not breathing right.'

'Breathe.'

Breathe?

What?

Shit.

What the...?

Okay.

Think.

Conjure.

Breathing is easy.

How?

Conjure.



_______________________________________________________________________



6 hours ago, before the operation.

I was tubeless then, dressed in OT grown and flat on a trolley.

Then as I was pushed along the corridors and corners. The ceiling lights went passed me like sceneries from a car. It flashes and glowed behind the walls.

I was floating between spaces.

Then the launching pad.

It was a smaller room for the anesthetists to prepare their patients, hooking lines and multi-checking of the correct patient to cut.

The operation room was like a space shuttle. Sterile, white and had those giant dishes orbiting at heights. They were the surgical lights, pan wide eyes of bulbs staring at me. It was so cold when my skin touched the metal of the cutting table.

'I going to put a few needles down your wrist, it's gonna sting a little.'

I felt the first long needle sticking in. Blight of hot flashes.

Then another one. Burned just as well.

'Okay. I'm going to put one more in your neck. Turn your head away from me.'

Ain't you gonna do that after you knocked me out?

'Is it going to hurt?' I asked as I felt her hands on my white neck.

'Did those two hurt a while ago?'

Fuck yea.

'A little.' I answered.

'Then just a little.'

AND SHE DROVE THAT MUTHERFUCKING NEEDLE DOWN MY NECK AS IF SLAYING A VAMPIRE!

She placed an orb of a mask on my mouth.

'Breathe in deeply.'

No.

Not this type of breathing is going to help me to get through my ETT tube.

I'm in the wrong memoryscape.


______________________________________________________________________



I flipped a imaginary book in my head, searching away fanatically.

The ETT tube gorged against the canvas of my throat.

Think.

Someone said something.

Think fast.

_________________________________________________________________________


17 hours ago, before the operation.

There was a petite lady in white approaching my bedside.

Nowadays hospitals are pretty much run by ladies.

'I'm the physiotherapist here. I'm going teach you to breathe.'

That's it!


____________________________________________________________________________
























Take a huge bloatful of whiff through the nose, fill your lung capacity and slowly balloon out from the lips.

Again.

And again.

The chest raised until the air was full. And fell steadily.

Ignore the tube in my mouth.

Ignore the pain.

Ignore the world.

Just keep breathing.

Just concentrate on this task.

Fifteen minutes would be over soon.

Trust yourself.

Trust yourself.

Trust yourself.

Another several lifetimes went passed agonisingly.

'Mister Ang?'

What?

The lights went on. I saw two nurses in blue growns. I saw a glass panel in front of me. Stations of care-givers busking around.

'Mister Ang, we are going to pull out the tube now.'

About time.

'Okay, before we pulled out the tube, we would need to suction down your mouth.'

One nurse held me while the other one fished out a smaller wriggling tube. Pregnant with suctioning air, the tube rattled and wiggling like a fish out of water.

She hoisted the suction tube down my ETT tube.

I hurled away, pushing them.

My chest as if being shocked, vibrated violently against the suction action and I tried to kicked them.

It was as if my chest just exploded.

It was a small tube but it was very hurtful.

'Okay, Mister Ang. We are doing it one more time.'

I glared at them, shaking my head.

The suction tube hoisted into my ETT tube. I felt it wriggling down my throat.

FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!

My chest arched again, arms restrained. It was another explosion in me. I could felt every bones splintering, flesh torn and muscle burnt.

I'm nothing.

I wished I was dead.

It was too much to bear.

'Mister Ang. One more time.'

The playful suction tube brought down again into my mouth. I bit back. At everything I could. My teeth found their way, closing into the ETT tube, the suction tube, anything. Just to stop it again.

I muffed a voiceless scream.

I kicked and fought, bit and spat.

'Okay. Okay. We are done now. We are truly done now.'

They pulled out the entire snake of ETT tube, propped me up and wiped the spite which I had all over my chin.

'How are you, Mister Ang?'

I nodded my head. Destroyed but still okay.

'Would you like anything to drink?'

'Red Bull.' I managed with a very sore throat. I felt sterile and numb everywhere. I needed something sweet to feel alive.

'Nope, we don't have that. You want Milo?'

'Iced.' I snorted.

They brought a glass of Iced Milo with a bendable straw. I slurped on it.

Then a growing sensation of nausea hit me, I felt my gut raising.

'I think I'm going to puke.' I warned them with a green face.

They brought a kidney dish to my chin, I forced and forced air out of my quivering lips and nothing came out.

But the nausea built up like a fortress.

I forced again until my chest hurt.

'Mister Ang. You have eaten nothing, remember? You have nothing in your stomach. You won't vomit anything out.'

I looked at this China nurse, realising her version of truth.

'You just have to breathe in and out. In and out.'

I tried.

Slowly and steadily.

In and out.

In and out.

From the nose and ousted from the mouth.

Chest full and lungs emptied.

Just breathe.
















Thursday 20 July 2006

How To Put Out A Fire




Stephen Chow and gang teach you how to put a person out of fire in Chinese Odyssey I - Pandora's Box. Can't resist snickering every single time I watched it. Hail to the King of Comedy...

Oasis - Stand By Me Video




My fave Oasis music video. The story takes an interesting twist in playing perceptions and judgement. A possible prequel metaphor for their eventual 'Don't Believe The Truth' album.

Only You




'Only You' by Luo JiaYing in Stephen Chow's Journey To The West

If American Idol was invented 5000 years ago, Tripitaka will be William Hung, but funnier and more persistent!


Arctic Monkeys - A view from the afternoon




Arctic Monkeys - A view from the afternoon

One of my fave MTV of all times. My kinda of plot, direction and the energy. Makes people just want to learn drums after watching it.

Saturday 15 July 2006

GOOD NEWS

Anyway the op was done successfully,and he stayed in ICU  for 1 day,followed by 1 day in H/D,And suscequently he was transfered back to general ward with telemetry monitoring yesterday. According to the surgical team ,he can be discharged in a few day's time, but still depending  on how he is recovering. So far so good, except a bit of nausea, resulted in poor appetite.Frankly, i don't feel like going to visit him because i can't share the pain, the nausea and other discomforts with him. therefore i feel useless.He has to bare with all this by his own. What i can do is just to go there and stand there blindly,doing nothing.

Thursday 13 July 2006

op

手术总算做完了,虽推迟,再推迟,就看康复的怎样了。原本打算投诉医院的心,听到手术成功,顺利,看到surgeon满怀笑容跟我们说so far so good,才觉得只要人好就好,其他的什么都不重要了。虽然每天去医院看他,总觉得离他好远,他的疼,我一点也分不到。虽然自己是护士,自己也是黔驴技穷,束手无策,总不知道自己可以做什么,也许什么都做不到,只站在那边干着急。------huiling

Sunday 9 July 2006

Saved On The Eleventh Hour





I'm here for a short while.



Committing on Monday again.



Endless needle pokes, red blood in tubes, red wrist tagging and the unbearable heat in Class B2 warding.



Long story short.



SGH is a cheebye place to host and care for patients.



Procrastinating bastards.



Don't get it?



Neither do I.


Death is so overrated.







________________________________________________________________________










I just want to be left alone.







________________________________________________________________________














Two to seven in the morning.



I could not bear to sleep.



I watched the entire season of Futurama on youtube.



Then I watched the entire season of That 70's show.



The sun came up.



I looked at myself in the sink's mirror.



I wished I had the courage to run my head through it.



I'm pretty fucked up there at times.



That's what make all these interesting, innit?



Welcome.





________________________________________________________________________








I've traveled a lot in the day.



Nowhere to go, no one to meet.



Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptations.



I read in the news that some crazed psycho went rampage in Manhattan
subway, wielding cordless power saws and plunging them into commuters'
chests.



Wicked.



I used to have fantasy of roosting people in the MRT subway with a
flame-thrower. Such crawl space there, nowhere to escape. I could
inhale fear through my skin.



Muffed screams always a draw.



I should check out the prices of the power saws.





________________________________________________________________________












Afternoon.



Wasted mine in a lan shop.



Rediscovered the fact that I had lost interest in virtual gaming.



What's the point of respawning each time you die?







________________________________________________________________________









Stood in front of a CD player in a Music Store with headphones at my temples.







Section: Recommended Pop/Rock.






Electrico had a new album - Hip City. It took a second album to finally
understand why Amanda Ling was in the band. Won't pay for it though.






The Feeders sounded like Foo Fighters. Crap.






Kings Of Convenience's Quiet Is The New Loud. Note to self, must download.







Angels And Airways were very experimental. Think I would give them a try.



Bloc Party's remixed album of Silent Alarm darn powerful man.



I took down the headphones.



I felt feverish and my eyes hurt for no apparent reasons.



I had nowhere to be.



I put them back on and listened for another hour.



Time and space were at it's worst during tortures and depressions.








__________________________________________________________________________











Maybe I should start to believe in the goodness of people.



Ease being a skeptic.



Cease trusting only upon good karma received.



That day I was in a heated argument with my mom.



She suggested that by second guessing other people's goodwill and
refusing to offer benefits of doubt, I would eventually suffer.



I defended back, biting on the notion that my refusal to be fed every
crap they gave, and that only through analysing and critical on the
facts was an humane act of maturity and wisdom.



She said how could she stand back and watch her son matured into a pessimistic skeptic crude.



I asked her how could she just plainly put her absolute trust in an illusive promise?



She wanted me to start believing.



I wanted her to start questioning.



We were fighting about the excuses my surgeons gave to keep delaying my operation.



Then I realised we were actually quarreling about our religious beliefs.



I'm a atheist and she's a Christian.

















________________________________________________________________________








I had realised that I hadn't look at any girls since I was out.



Depression was a real killer to libido.



I only wished my melancholy could be completed with a grey and stormy rain.



But no.



It was but a lovely day with cotton clouds in the skies, decorated with sunny ambience.



Traffics were polite and young punks quited smoking altogether.



God hates me.





________________________________________________________________________







Evening.



Watched The King And The Clown with her.



Surprisingly good.



Clark Kent can return to his fortress of boredom for all I care.





________________________________________________________________________








Went home in a crowded train.



It was as if the world boarded on the same train, having us squeezed in between.



If globalization would result to this same effect, I guess my flame-thrower could really come in handy.



The train rumbled and shook as I held her close to me.



My hands were behind her back and hers on my shoulders.



We were so close we could smell each other.



Our breath touched.



The train swayed us along, from side to side.



Our eyes never wavered from sight. Glued together.



Me: 'Feel like we are dancing, in slow waltz.'



The train shook us gently like a palm tree in the ocean breeze.



She laughed at that thought.



We swayed gently along, to our whispering beats, the tiny dribble of
our feet. In the MRT train of evening commuters and the swarming bodies
of the tired folks.



I would think that someone would have noticed our motions but we wouldn't know.



For that journey, we were lost in our little evening waltz.



We wouldn't know.







________________________________________________________________________










And there, I felt right.



At last.





________________________________________________________________________










Oh yea. Price of a power saw = $408.



















































Sunday 2 July 2006

Next Jamming Event (Date Not Confirmed)

Start:     Aug 27, '06 7:00p
End:     Aug 27, '06 9:00p

New Songs added, please corporate.


CALIFORNICATION – RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS

ZHEN DE AI NI – BEYOND

PARADISE – BEYOND

LENG YU YE - BEYOND

SEA & SKY - BEYOND

DON’T LOOK BACK IN ANGER – OASIS

HIGH AND DRY – RADIOHEAD

TONIGHT, TONIGHT – SMASHING PUMPKINS

1979 – SMASHING PUMPKINS

SMELL LIKE TEEN SPIRIT – NIRVANA

YELLOW – COLDPLAY

IN MY PLACE – COLDPLAY

DAKOTA – STEREOPHONICS

LITHIUM - NIRVANA

DON'T GO AWAY - OASIS

NO SURPRISES - RADIOHEAD

ENTER SANDMAN - METALLICA

THE REASON - HOOBASTANK

I FOR YOU - LUNA SEA

SCAR TISSUE - RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS

WITH OR WITHOUT YOU - U2

ABOUT A GIRL - NIRVANA

ADAM SONG - BLINK182

LIVE FOREVER - OASIS

=============================

QING TIAN - JAY CHOU

JIE KOU - JAY CHOU

YI LU XIANG BEI - JAY CHOU



Please go and fucking learn them all and stop embarrassing us.