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'Is there room?' I asked, eyes darting from my feet back to his pebble sized rings on his knuckles then past the lobe of his left ear ring. I counted four topaz rings, one ivory ear ring and the multiple dews forming on the dust of my boots.

'Members only.' The bouncer snorted and waved me away.

''No. You don't. Are you new. No. You are not new. I..I know, I mean I knew you, Terry, James, no, You are fuck, I can't, I don't.' I heard myself breathe. Rapid and empty breaths. I clutched the book across my chest tightly, clawing them with my nails.

'Shit. You are him.' The bouncer recognised, 'Whatever happened to you? You look like shit.'

'Is there room?' I pushed again.

'I don't know.' The bouncer suddenly unsure of what to do, he swung his wall of torso around for assistance. 'Man, it's been too long. You know how it is. People left and they don't come back.'

I looked at him, stared at his aviator shades and saw my thin eyes webbed with redness, clots and desperation staring at him.

'I just take a seat. I will not be of trouble.' my lips quivered. 'Please.'

'The bouncer looked back at the back of the bar, lighted up, shook his head to himself and went off a bit to smoke in the drizzle.

I let myself in the dark cave of the bar, finding my way with memory of the place. I found a dry spot by a wall of glowing table and sat down.

'Did you come to find me?' A hostess in her apron fished out a 2B pencil from her hair and approached my table. I gripped the spine of my book tighter. 'No?' She puckered her moist lips, 'What a shame. What's your order, boy? Same old?'

I stared down the shit-eating tablecloth and said nothing.

'Let me surprise you then.' She suggested, then turned around, 'Oh. I forgot. You hate surprises. But then again, you hate everything.' She smiled.

'It's not true.' I gritted my teeth. But she didn't hear me.

I put my dog-eared book on my lap and stared at it for a long time. I waited for my heart to catch up.

And I waited for the skies to break. Be it night or day, just break so I can see. I can see the stars or the sun or some light to tell me that I can. I can what? I shut my eyes. My eyelashes scratching my my cheekbones.

So I can write.

The book fell off my lap and onto the black floor. Flipping away 400 pages of whiteness. Nothing was written.

The hostess with a name that I could not remember fetched the book for me and laid a beer across my table. 'There you go.'

'I love you.' I glanced at her timidly.

'No.' She stood with the hip angled and a hand on it. 'You don't.'

'I looked back down and drown my beer.

'I hate you.' I said.

'I can live with it.' She walked off. 'Let me get you some more.'

'I can live with it.' I repeated and opened my book. I felt better. I clicked on my pen and stabbed the page with it's tip.

I'm waiting for my friends, two of them.  I hope they show up soon.