I realized that no one can truly be alone.That is frustrating.
How real is a fall if you ain't truly alone.
Not even if you exile to the world's end, you will never be alone.
That is frustrating.
You'll still carry people in your heart. The loathed, the feared, the guilty and the remembered will cramped in your right atrium, your left atrium, around the bends of your coronary arteries, beneath your borrowed pulmonary valve and into your wispy Chordae Tendineae, for trapped they were, forever.
Alzheimer can be frustrating, but Alzheimer patients are never unhappy. The bliss in not remembering the anchor and the animal trap that gnawed tightly onto the ankles of your mind.
For the longest time, I had been trying to justify I'm all alone. But I'm not, and I won't be. It is cruel in a way. God created so many people, so that He could take away them when you need them the most and stuff them back into your life when you thought you are alone. If you think that notion is endearing and romantic, you must be those who believed in horoscopes and stood against everything I ever lobbied. It is cruel to play such petty games.
When I went through my operation last July. Most of the people I treasured my whole life never turned up. Some kindred ones did. It was an critical lesson on life and relationship. I was able to see who were the ones solid enough to grind through turmoils with me. She of course, like all dutifully girlfriend stayed through the course. Surviving hospitalization without permanent damage is a wet dream for couples all over the world. It is one true defining moment to step up and nurse your loved ones to good health. She did, and I thought that was it. That kind of shit until the end shit thingy.
Few months ago, when she tried to break up with me, citing that she had wanted to break up with me eons ago, but had waited until my operation was over and I was well before she could blow it out her ass.
While one can never truly be alone, loneliness however is a powerful state of mind. The alienation, the isolation, the paranoia and the self fulfilling prophecies can be suffocatingly real. And when that state of mind shifted you by the collar, you could never return unscathed again.
Alzheimer though will thieve you of your ability to live, it will also rob your knowledge of remembering how lonely you had felt. And for me, that's a pretty good trade off.
There are so many things in life to get lost in. Choose wisely. Take comfort in whatever red herring journey you partake, you can never be alone. Live and be happy. If not, forget the fuck and be happy anyways.
for me, it is the other way around: i will ALWAYS be alone. what use is a crowd if they don't know you - the real you - and all that there is is an endless filtering and interpretation of who they think you are, and worse, who they want you to be in their reality?
ReplyDeletefor me, that will always be the case. many will profess that they love me or that they care for me, but what use is love if it does not translate? and so they think i am arrogant for rarely saying "i love you", rarely putting into words how much i care. and rarely will they know/hear how much it hurt me, that unknown to them there is much effort in my daily activities to translate my affection, and i understand if it falls short of being identified. there is too much noise, i know. i accept my failure too.
we are born alone, amidst a throng of watchers - the audience perpetually wondering what happens next. we will all die alone, in a casket made for one. then the rest will move on. that is the reality - anyone tell you otherwise is selling you a novel.
as for the world in our heads, vikas summed it up: Ghosts are Real
there's a saying that goes: "A true friend will let me have my death, the rest are just curious how the story ends."
hmmm...why did jeniong delete her reply? I sorta agree to some extent, you come into this world alone and leave it alone. In fact, you're pretty much alone in that little blip of time between as well. It is entirely possible to accept that any "connection" one feels to another is ultimately illusory, without dismissing it or to conduct oneself with solipsism.
ReplyDeleteGo Alzheimer's. Any condition that helps you feel entirely comfortable with running around swinging your pants over your head is cool in my books.
i'm getting used to that.
ReplyDeletego alzheimer's!